Not to long ago I wrote about my deep dark secret, and how it was maybe better. I didn't know how or why (I thought maybe it had to do with being busy taking care of Animal and loving him so completely) but the monster seemed appeased.
I haven't been writing very much lately. Life has been getting in the way.
Things have been stressful, hard, and busy. I'm tiered, irritated and my husband would say meaner than usual. Whenever that happens to me, I start to really zone out and watch a lot of TV. It's so easy to lose myself. It's so easy to let time fly past me without thinking (too much) when I can just veg out.
The thing is I can't really do that anymore. I'm busy with Animal a lot and that's one ball I WONT drop.
So I find myself standing in my kitchen looking for something to eat. Something sweet. Something that will appease the hole I feel in my soul when I feel ill equipped and inadequate. I'm doing WW right now and so I have a food journal in which to account for every bite that goes in my mouth. I'm taking it very seriously because I want to be the best role model for my son. Having to journal has made me stop and think about what I'm about to do (or not do, I haven't yet really given in), and why.
I want to eat the whole box of cookies. I want to make a batch of pudding and eat all of it. I want to have a couple (2 or 3) big bowls of cereal...
I want everything to just be solved, but sadly I can't solve everything. Sometimes I just have to be patient and know things are going to be hard for a little while longer. I don't have control of everything. Binge eating isn't going to solve anything.
In fact it will make things worse. On top of all the shit I can't fix it will just add to the pile of shit on my plate. (Get it? On my plate)
I realized while I was running the other morning that it wasn't that I hadn't had these moments per say since I got pregnant. It's that since Animals birth I hadn't really curbed my pregnancy appetite. I probably hadn't noticed when I was eating my emotions. I haven't really gone on a binge, that's true enough, but this beast is not gone, it's just been under some guise of control.
I'm at a cross roads. Should I find an OA meeting? Is WW and being conscious enough? I don't know, but I have to figure it out before I can't control it...