Monday, January 7, 2013

I Have This One Dream...

I have this one dream, where I know a fucking demon is after me.

Whatever IT is, it's pure evil and it's after me.

I can't get away no matter what I do. So I will myself to scream my husbands name, so that he will hear me and wake me up.

I know I'm dreaming, but whatever IT is, I know I have to get away from IT. It's really weird because I'll be having just some random dream, like I'm surrounded by cute little kittens that I'm petting, when I realize IT'S there. The EVIL, and I try sometimes just to wake myself up. And even when I think I manage and I'm in my bedroom looking around relieved to be awake, I'll notice something is amiss. Something not in it's place or that doesn't belong, like an ironing board (what's weird about that? an ironing board? I don't own one because I'm a lazy, wrinkled mess). I freak out! I try again to wake myself up, to get away from IT.

I will my voice to put together my husbands name, to push it through my sleeping lips. He can save me, if he just hears me call. I know HE will wake me up and save me from IT.

Sometimes I go months and months without one of these dreams. I don't think I had any while pregnant. Occasionally I'll have 3 of these nightmares in one hour. My hubby, an insomniac, I'm pretty sure contemplates if a jury would convict him if he killed me after these episodes, "Your honor she said she was petting kittens and knew IT was there, so she woke me up screaming just as I'd finally fallen asleep 3 hours before I had to get up for work! Kittens your honor, she was in a room full of kittens".

I don't know if these dreams will always haunt me. If it's really a demon that's after me. If it's my conscience telling me that I've done something wrong. That I've made some grave error. Transgressed in some way. I wonder sometimes if I went back to church, if I spent more time with God, if I didn't put our relationship on the back burner, then would I be rid of this?

There was a time in my life when I would sometimes have these dreams, but upon realizing that it was about to turn into a nightmare, I would shut my eyes within my dream and I would tell my dreaming self "This is just a dream, I don't want to have a nightmare. When I open my eyes, I'm going to be on a beach, drinking a tall cocktail. I'll look to my right and when I do the thing I was afraid of is going to be a tall dark stranger..." and when I opened my eyes, still in my dream, whatever I had wished to be there would be just as I told myself.

Why don't I just do THAT and rid myself of IT? I can't anymore. Whatever it was that made me feel I could control my dreams is gone.

It's been a week or two since my last nightmare, I never know how long till the next one...

I thought nightmares were for kids, or people who had been through some tragic event. Not people living a pretty blissfully uneventful boring life, I mean in comparison to people who are truly going through some shit, besides parenthood, which is never boring. Except when your kid's sleeping but you still can't go anywhere that's not for families full of people that understand the insanity that is now your life, but doesn't revolve around you.

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