What I Miss...

Running on a regular basis provides a lot of things for me. Right now as I learn to juggle motherhood and an active lifestyle I am not yet getting in the consistency I need to both achieve my short term goals: loosing weight and getting up the mileage and stamina needed to run the Half in October. As well as my long term goals: being healthy and running a Full Marathon in about a year.

I don't lack motivation or desire. The weather (over night freezing temps) mean a unsafe track, there are patches of black ice at 5 am, and a injured and traveling running partner means some mornings I don't have someone to meet. The older I get the less I'm willing to run alone (for safety reasons). As the weather improves in the next few weeks I will get the consistency I need and my body and mind will reap all the glorious benefits of consistency.

In the mean time, here is a short list of all the things I miss of not only running, but being months down the line of this journey.

Of course I miss being at a healthy weight and more easily maintaining my waistline. More than that I miss eating and drinking with little to no guilt. A large bowl of oatmeal with fruit and walnuts? A tasty Pb&j or fuck a stack of pancakes for breakfast? Yes, sir I just ran 5-8 miles I'd say those calories are well deserved. Plus I'm kind of a functioning alcoholic, that's a lot of empty calories I need to burn them somewhere. The trail is the perfect place. In fact aside from pregnancy and breastfeeding, training is the only time I willing choose sobriety. 

Pride. I worked so so hard to be able to call myself a runner. No joke. Years, and years of lacing up the running shoes and trying to just run a mile. One fucking mile. I thought I was gonna die, but I wanted to be a runner. I wanted it so bad I could taste it. And Fuck if my inability to breath was gonna stop me. 

Peace. Running is my church. Like literally my church. I spend that time talking to God. Reflecting on my life, my choices. Where am I going right? Where am I going wrong? What should I be doing differently. I spend my time praising the Lord for the world he's created, for my amazing body that can move, for my family. It brings me peace of mind and spirit. 

The thing I miss most though, is running on the track or trail and having the men step it up because they can't possibly be slower than some girl. It's not them picking up the pace that I miss. It's the moment that they can't keep the pace they set. It's the moment that I pass them and they're defeated. Or sometimes they can keep up there new pace for a mile or two, and then they stop and I run 2 or 3 more miles. Whether they are there to see or not. I know. I win.

I can't wait for this summer...

TT Man Best Friend or The Cats Meow

I always thought that you were either a dog person or a cat person, and I was a dog person.

Since childhood I loved dogs. I love their playfulness, loyalty, their ability to learn tricks, and their cute little faces. I never went through a stage of being afraid of dogs. I loved them all. I was never chased, bitten or growled at. I "knew" at the earliest age that dogs knew I was a good person, that they knew I would never hurt them and that I was not afraid of them, and so naturally they would never hurt me. 

As a dog person, I obviously hated cats. I thought they were such jerks. They didn't care if you came home. They wouldn't love you at the end of a shitty day. They scratch. They're bad luck if they're black and cross your path. Worst of all even though I paid them no mind and clearly hated them, they were always rubbing up against me and purring.

I couldn't wait to grow up and have my very own dog. A large breed that I could run with, that would protect me and would be my son's best friend, because IF I was ever a mom I just knew I would have a son. 

Then I grew up, and I have yet to live anywhere were dogs were allowed. 

My husband loves all animals. And he blew my mind with this idea. You can love both dogs and cats because they are BOTH awesome. I told him he was obviously mistaken. No one loves both, and I HATED cats. 

So one day after we'd been married 4 months he came home with a KITTEN. 

WTF? It was then I learned how wonderful cats can be. How amazing that they just go in a litter box. That they love you and basically no one else. That they are super independent. How they also love you at the end of a shitty day. That they too had cute faces, how had I never noticed?

We ended up with two cats and no dog. I love them so much. But I still want a dog.

This post is not for scratching, it is part of a multi blogger collaboration and dog gone it it's fun to check out AND fun to join in. To do either one of those click the TT button.

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

I was thinking the other night as I watched Animal running around tripping over his own feet that the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree. Even at this young age 14.5 months I can see how my little man is like his mommy. 

Here are the top 5 ways we are not so different...

5. He often has little to no balance. He seems to randomly loose his footing and he just falls over. Usually he just keeps going (like me) but occasionally he's a crybaby (like me). Also he's very lucky. Often he's just centimeters from a sharp corner, centimeters from a real injury. Just like me, he's a lucky that he's got a little angel watching out for him.

4. He talks A LOT.  No, he doesn't have new words. At least not in English, or Spanish, but he's talking in Animal, and he has a lot to say. He loves to talk. To me, daddy, his family, his pets, strangers and especially it seems, himself. I've always had the gift of gab, so I understand his need to chat. I love it! One day when he's stringing words together, I'll miss all his babbling.

3. He's emotional, kind of a drama queen actually. He's happy and smiling most of the time. Then he doesn't like something and he's mad, scowling, crying. Then he's happy again. When he's frustrated you know it, because he cries. I too have been known to let the water works go in moments of extreme frustrations.

2. He's got his own agenda. His own plans and he's not about to let us stop him. No matter what it seems he's set his mind to do, or not do for that matter, what we say, what anyone says, it is not about to stop him. He ignores us. Climbs over us, crawls under us, pulls us, he does his best to accomplish his goals. It is something I too usually have, it has served me well, and I know that it will drive me crazy, but it will be good for Animal too.

1. He's a friendly, outgoing guy. He smiles at people and "talks" to them. He knows how to be charming. I'm glad he's friendly and not afraid of most people. Even though I am sometimes selfishly annoyed that he doesn't care when I leave his side, I'm glad that he doesn't have separation anxiety. I don't know if there is a correlation but I take it as a sign that he is confident in both himself and in the fact that we will come back. Any way I too am friendly, I think being able to relate to others is an important skill and I'm glad he took after me in this area.

Animal looks like his daddy, and I can see that he is A LOT like his father in other ways. So it's nice to see that he's also a little like me.

I Have This One Dream...

I have this one dream, where I know a fucking demon is after me.

Whatever IT is, it's pure evil and it's after me.

I can't get away no matter what I do. So I will myself to scream my husbands name, so that he will hear me and wake me up.

I know I'm dreaming, but whatever IT is, I know I have to get away from IT. It's really weird because I'll be having just some random dream, like I'm surrounded by cute little kittens that I'm petting, when I realize IT'S there. The EVIL, and I try sometimes just to wake myself up. And even when I think I manage and I'm in my bedroom looking around relieved to be awake, I'll notice something is amiss. Something not in it's place or that doesn't belong, like an ironing board (what's weird about that? an ironing board? I don't own one because I'm a lazy, wrinkled mess). I freak out! I try again to wake myself up, to get away from IT.

I will my voice to put together my husbands name, to push it through my sleeping lips. He can save me, if he just hears me call. I know HE will wake me up and save me from IT.

Sometimes I go months and months without one of these dreams. I don't think I had any while pregnant. Occasionally I'll have 3 of these nightmares in one hour. My hubby, an insomniac, I'm pretty sure contemplates if a jury would convict him if he killed me after these episodes, "Your honor she said she was petting kittens and knew IT was there, so she woke me up screaming just as I'd finally fallen asleep 3 hours before I had to get up for work! Kittens your honor, she was in a room full of kittens".

I don't know if these dreams will always haunt me. If it's really a demon that's after me. If it's my conscience telling me that I've done something wrong. That I've made some grave error. Transgressed in some way. I wonder sometimes if I went back to church, if I spent more time with God, if I didn't put our relationship on the back burner, then would I be rid of this?

There was a time in my life when I would sometimes have these dreams, but upon realizing that it was about to turn into a nightmare, I would shut my eyes within my dream and I would tell my dreaming self "This is just a dream, I don't want to have a nightmare. When I open my eyes, I'm going to be on a beach, drinking a tall cocktail. I'll look to my right and when I do the thing I was afraid of is going to be a tall dark stranger..." and when I opened my eyes, still in my dream, whatever I had wished to be there would be just as I told myself.

Why don't I just do THAT and rid myself of IT? I can't anymore. Whatever it was that made me feel I could control my dreams is gone.

It's been a week or two since my last nightmare, I never know how long till the next one...

I thought nightmares were for kids, or people who had been through some tragic event. Not people living a pretty blissfully uneventful boring life, I mean in comparison to people who are truly going through some shit, besides parenthood, which is never boring. Except when your kid's sleeping but you still can't go anywhere that's not for families full of people that understand the insanity that is now your life, but doesn't revolve around you.

Absolute Tune an Amateur Review

What your looking at in this photo is Absolut's new concoction. A sparkling white wine infused with Vodka. 

If you drink alone it's bubbly with a definite vodka kick. I was intrigued, it came with a little cocktail recipe book and if I purchased after tasting I got the fun commemorative glass. I'm a sucker for those things. Also it was 5 bucks cheaper than the current price at BevMo so I thought I would buy and try for New Years. 

Well first I tried their Screwdriver Mimosa and it was No Bueno. BOO!  Next I tried a glass with  little chambrod (as pictured above). Chambrod with sparkling white wine is delicious, but this was not good, not good at all. Finally I had a glass with cranberry juice. Absolut Tune and cranberry juice, tasty. BUT, and it's a rather big but, not as good as a standard cranberry and vodka. Also the price I paid 29.99, and thought it was ten bucks more than what I thought it was worth. 

So there you have it. Not worth it, at least not for me. 

Do you have any suggestions? Any liquor or cocktail you've been meaning to try, but don't want to buy or take the time to make? Send your inquiry here. I'd be happy to try and I'll let you know if it's worth your time.

TT Winter

Top 5 things I love about winter...

5. Crisp weather. Not really cold, but definitely not warm. So the sun is shinning and you can be perfectly comfortable in a light sweater or hoodie. It's perfect weather for a long run, a brisk hike or a reflective stroll. When I get up in the winter and the weather man is talking about snow storms on the East coast or Colorado, and I look out my window and the sun is shining and our high is going to be 65 degrees, I think how absolutely wonderful it is to live in California.

4. Warm pajamas. Or just pajamas in general. I like to wear them. In the summer when it's hot I can't use them. I can't sleep if I'm hot. So they just sit in my drawer. Waiting for winter. I have lots of jammies and winter means I can snuggle in my favorite PJ's.

3. The playoffs and Superbowl Sunday! I love lazy football Sundays in the fall, but it's nothing compared to excitement of the winter playoffs. And as fun as it is to start drinking at 10 am, it's even more fun to still have some of the day leftover to do other things. And then to get down to the Final game, the delicious food, copious amounts of liquor, and funny commercials is just a phenomenal way to say goodbye to season.

2.  Christmas break. I'm a teacher so I still get vacation time around Christmas, and you all know how much I love the Holidays, so you can imagine how thrilled I am to be away from the daily grind focusing my time on my family, relaxing and Animal!

1.  Long nights. I'm pretty much an early to bed early to rise kind of girl. Nothing makes you feel like a senior citizen as fast as going to bed when the sun is still shinning. In the Summer this happens (well used to happen before Animal) all the time. It's a little embarrassing to fall asleep when you can still hear kids playing outside in their backyards. Also, I like to sleep in a little and in the summer when the sun is up at 5:30, so am I. So I prefer winter mornings when the sun comes up a 7 and I don't have to feel like such a weirdo for being up and chipper.

This post is part of Theme Thursday, a multi blogger collaboration. If you would like to read other thoughts on winter, or post your own. Click the TT button :)

Sweet Goodbyes

Every. Weekday. Morning. I get up by 6 am. 

Earlier if I'm running. So that I have enough time to make breakfast for me and my family. Eat my breakfast, pump, wash pump stuff, pack Animal's breakfast, leave a pb&j for hubby and jump in the shower. 

I do this so that I can get Animal up at 7, change his diaper, nurse him and dress him. Then the hubby gets up he takes over for 30 minutes in which I have to get dressed, brush my teeth, maybe put on make up and flat iron my hair. Pack our lunches, Animals diaper bag, with a full days meals and snacks, pack my pump up  and load the car. 

At 8, 8:10 at the latest the hubby carries Animal and puts him in the car so that we(Animal and I) can get to grandma's house. We leave at that time so that by 8:15ish Animal can be sitting at grandma's kitchen table and I can feed him breakfast. I leave my mom's house between 8:35 and 8:40 so that I can be at work before 9 am when I clock in. 

I don't have to feed him breakfast, I could choose to let my mom handle it and just head to work early and have some time to myself or stop for a delicious cup of coffee. Or I could take my time in the morning and get some make up on my face to showcase the only part of me that's still presentable. 

But I don't. Because I miss my son. I want to spend time with him. I want to enjoy him. I don't want my mom's day to be longer and I want to give my son at least one meal a day. Sure I still nurse him twice a day but I can tell he's already weaning himself. Which is great because then I can have a glass or two of wine sooner, but terrible because soon we wont have that special us time.  

After I feed him I head out the door, but not before I grab his face and give him a lot of kisses he usually laughs and then starts to wave goodbye wildly. I love it, it's so cute and makes me happy to know that he knows our routine and he's happy. 

This particular morning after loading his soft face with at least a dozen kisses, he didn't wave goodbye. He didn't even look at me! I called his name at least a dozen times and practically begged for him to look at me. He picked up a book and took it to my mom so she could start reading to him. He refused to look at me, and because I spend every minute I can with him I had to go or be late.

I said good bye again to no avail and headed out the door. No sweet goodbye. Sometimes being a mom sucks.