Crappiversary

There are moments in your life that are so monumental that they are forever ingrained in your psyche.
These moments can be milestones or traumas. They can be joyful or painful.

The moment becomes a memory, the memory a story you tell yourself. Somewhere in that story, are truths, half truths, and lies that make up your reality and shape who you are from that moment going forward. Even as the moment is happening, you can have an out of body experience and realize that some smell, some taste, some word, some thing will always remind you of this exact moment.

While my husband was speaking to the anesthesiologist and surgeon about the surgery that had in moments, for me anyway, gone from bad to major. I tried to both listen and keep my son, 6 at the time, distracted.

I still had the wherewithal to realize that the outfit I picked for that day, would forever be linked to the day I found out my husband had cancer.

Cancer.

It was all wrong.

I wasn't there for this awful news. My husband, partner, and father of my child had been all alone when he got this information. He had to sit on that and wonder how he was going to tell me when I returned with our child. Our child who was already scared and worried about his dad. The reason I'd picked him up was so we could all spend some time together and we could reassure him that his dad was going to fine.

He did it. He told me. Calmly, and with resolve. Like he had already decided what was going to happen.

My mind was racing. I was shocked. I was trying to reign in my already anxiety ridden brain. I looked at my husband who was still talking. "I'm a survivor, this is just another time I'll beat the odds," he said. Then I knew he would, and that those clothes would forever be the cancer clothes.

The next half of the year. Diagnoses and treatment were full of anxiety, fears, anger, frustration, and love. I haven't worn the cancer outfit, but I have worn the top and the pants separately. There's a brief moment where I remember that moment. It's not a surprise, and it's OK. This is just a part of my husbands story, our story.

What I didn't expect was having that moment, when the Kona ice truck pulled up to my work. Surrounded by my co-workers, and families, just like I had the year before.

Before I knew.

Before everything changed.

What We're Reading: Dog Man

In June I got some book recommendations for Animal.

I had noticed a boy reading Diary of a Wimpy Kid. I commented on the book and before I knew it the mom was telling me what books I should introduce Animal to based on his like for the same book.

She told me check out Big Nate and Dog Man. I had just seen a Dog Man in his scholastic book flyer, so on a whim, I bought it.

The day it came in I put it on a shelf in the laundry room. I proceeded to forget all about it.

A few days later it caught Animals eye. He pulled it off the shelf and smiling asked, is this for me? I nodded. He said, thanks, and took of with the book. A few days later when it was time to do our reading he pulled it out and asked if we could read this.

We did. He read it to me. I read it to him.

Then we saw a two pack at Costco. He asked his dad if he would buy it for him. My husband did. We devoured those. Sometimes I read to him, sometimes he read to me. He started taking them to his grandma's house so he could read it to their dog. Last week they were on sale at Target, so we bought two more and then we checked out the last one at the library.

Recently he was slouched over his desk. I asked him what he was doing and he answered, just looking at what always cheers me up. He was looking at a Dog Man book.

Dog Man is written by Dav Pilkey, the creator of Captain Underpants. At the end of every book is About the Author. It always tells the same story. A story my son can relate to. A boy with too much energy and a creative imagination. A boy that isn't always on task, but believes in his creations. I like that message. I'm a fan.

What We're Reading: Your Seven-Year-Old Life in a Minor Key

Every summer I get a week off. Before parenthood I used the week to catch up with friends and family, clean my house and cook dinner every night. Now I tell myself I'll play the coveted role of stay at home mom.

Coveted by who? All? Most? Work out of the home moms.

Ever since Animal was an infant, all I wanted was to stay home and be there for every moment.

Except, I'm not cut out for that life.

When I'm home, I long to have a routine and schedule that includes: having a reason to put on real pants, adult conversations and mandated break times.

When I'm at work I wonder what Animal is up to. I want to enrich his life and build a strong bond between us. I want to be the classroom mom, I want to make pinterest worthy, from scratch lunches. I want to be patient, and perfect in every way.

The thing is, I'm not. I'm not patient. I'm not attentive. I'm trying, but I'm always failing. I'm not perfect. I know that's a silly thing to say. Of course I'm not perfect, no one is perfect. But I feel like I'm failing all the time.

I try to plan fun activities for my son and I. I take him to the amusement park, to the pool, to playgrounds and parks. I find activities at the library or his school. It doesn't matter what we do we spend some portion arguing. When I was a kid that was unheard of. Not the sulking or pouting of course, but the arguing. It drives me metaphorically insane, and to literal tears. I feel like the worst mom at least once a week. My son does not behave this way with his father, which only leads to disagreements between my husband and I.

This week at the beginning of my stay at home mom fantasy week, we took his bike out on the trail and rode to the park and then back. We argued as usual and while he sulked I sent an S.O.S text to a good friend. My son noticed how upset I was and apologized to me. He did his best, and did in fact change his attitude and we had a decent day.

My friend responded with this, "So much of this is his age. Anytime I have 7-10 year old patients. I know it's going to be a fight to do anything."

We went on to have a conversation about developmental stages.

A few days later we took his bike to the library, played tag at the park and then went in to check out some books. I found two books. The one I'm reading right now is called Your Seven-Year-Old Life in a Minor Key. It's all about the developmental stages of a seven year old. What a fucking God send. You know sometimes, it's just really helpful to know what are common and age appropriate stages that we all go through. Of course every kid is different and while some kids do a lot of a behavior, or just try it out once, we all go through these stages. As a parent it's important to know where a kid (your kid) is coming from. So that you can be better equipped to handle these moments. And at least for me, it is what I need to save my mental state.

Books to the rescue again!