No More Margaritas For Me

19 Damn points for this?

No more margaritas for me, it hurts just to think it. 

This is just another example of how Weight Watchers has changed my life. 

I had been pining over my favorite cocktail (to drink when out) since the day I first learned that I was pregnant. All of my pregnancy I talked about having a few with my sister, my friends and with the hubby when we went out to eat.

Then when Animal was born and I saw that I could just barely keep up with his ginormous appetite with precious little to freeze, I realized I would not be drinking until I introduced solids (maybe) or until his first birthday (what actually happened). 

On a date night a few weeks ago, I finally had my much drooled over drink. 

It was okay. Way sweeter than I remember. 

At home I use equal parts tequila, triple sec and cointreau then add the juice of two limes or a lemon. Anyway let's just say it was not what I remembered. Then later that night I added it in to my points tracker and God damn I couldn't fucking believe it! That cursing and taking the Lord's name in vane was completely necessary, and not at all  overly dramatic. 19 points! The same number of points that I had used to have grilled salmon over rice pilaf, steamed veggies AND a glass of wine at dinner! THE SAME AMOUNT FOR ONE MEDIOCRE DRINK! Well Fuck me, never again! No margaritas unless I'm home making the drink and can control the points so that I'm not wasting any on some syrupy crap, when I drink a margarita I expect copious amounts of alcohol involved to make a delicious and perfect concoction, that nets about 10 points.

Anyway, what I really wanted to share with you all is that I have surpassed the halfway mark. I have officially lost 24lbs. I am just a chunky monkey again. I can't tell you how amazing I feel to just be "normal". I'm weighing in at 145, 10lbs more than what is healthy for my height. A totally manageable amount of weight to lose before me. I feel so much better.

I can run with so much more ease. Climbing stairs is no biggie. Lugging my 27lb toddler is awesome (I know he wont always want to be held, hell he doesn't want to be held now!). I am no longer wearing ANY of my maternity gear. All the clothes I'm wearing now is my own pre-baby fat clothes I loved too much to get rid of. 

I am starting to see definition in my arms again and even the promise of a waistline! Now don't get me wrong, I have noticed something I was dreading but knew was probably unavoidable. What I look like (specifically what my gut looks like) at 145 is much different (and by different what I mean is flabbier) than what my abs looked like before. Now they're just a sad, embarrassing mess. I'm gonna try hard to tone as much as I can, but also except that it's just different now. I'm older and a human being did take residency in this belly so, as much as I don't love it, I do love that baby and myself so, that's that.

Ok, so here's the new update of my next milestones:

1 lb to lose and hit 25 (where I'll get a Nifty charm from WW)

7lbs to hit the weight I was at the doctors appointment when I learned I was with child.

10lbs to hit my the healthy weight range! 

18lbs to hit goal. 

So the next update will come once I hit goal and start the maintenance part of my life. 

When I rejoined WW with my good friend, nursing student, we decided that this time the goal isn't the weight. It is to learn from our mistakes, and change. This time, we need to figure out why we do, what we do, and just stop doing THAT. 

So easy to say. SO hard to do. But I am really, really trying. 

To be truly honest with myself and just be different. I'm tiered of giving in to my weaknesses. It's time to be the best me, because I love myself, because I want to be healthy and because I want Animal to have a great example.

I'm excited to change. 

It's Creeping It's Ugly Head Out Again...

Not to long ago I wrote about my deep dark secret, and how it was maybe better. I didn't know how or why (I thought maybe it had to do with being busy taking care of Animal and loving him so completely) but the monster seemed appeased.

I haven't been writing very much lately. Life has been getting in the way.

Things have been stressful, hard, and busy. I'm tiered, irritated and my husband would say meaner than usual. Whenever that happens to me, I start to really zone out and watch a lot of TV. It's so easy to lose myself. It's so easy to let time fly past me without thinking (too much) when I can just veg out.

The thing is I can't really do that anymore. I'm busy with Animal a lot and that's one ball I WONT drop.

So I find myself standing in my kitchen looking for something to eat. Something sweet. Something that will appease the hole I feel in my soul when I feel ill equipped and inadequate. I'm doing WW right now and so I have a food journal in which to account for every bite that goes in my mouth. I'm taking it very seriously because I want to be the best role model for my son. Having to journal has made me stop and think about what I'm about to do (or not do, I haven't yet really given in), and why.

I want to eat the whole box of cookies. I want to make a batch of pudding and eat all of it. I want to have a couple (2 or 3) big bowls of cereal...

I want everything to just be solved, but sadly I can't solve everything. Sometimes I just have to be patient and know things are going to be hard for a little while longer. I don't have control of everything. Binge eating isn't going to solve anything.

In fact it will make things worse. On top of all the shit I can't fix it will just add to the pile of shit on my plate. (Get it? On my plate)

I realized while I was running the other morning that it wasn't that I hadn't had these moments per say since I got pregnant. It's that since Animals birth I hadn't really curbed my pregnancy appetite. I probably hadn't noticed when I was eating my emotions. I haven't really gone on a binge, that's true enough, but this beast is not gone, it's just been under some guise of control.

I'm at a cross roads. Should I find an OA meeting? Is WW and being conscious enough? I don't know, but I have to figure it out before I can't control it...

TT Fat Kids

I wasn't a fat kid, but once I hit puberty I started packing on the pounds. It was tough to be a fat girl. There was no such thing as torrid, and few places carried anything over a size 11, so I started buying men's jeans. I was lucky though. I was (am) pretty awesome. I was (am) outgoing, talkative, amusing, friendly, opinionated and nice. People liked me. I had friends, and boyfriends, and people didn't make fun of me (to my face or to my knowledge anyway). Even with all that, it was hard. I can't imagine what it would have been like if people had teased me. If I had been bullied. I would have been destroyed.

After high school, I started making changes. I cut out soda. I drank fat free milk. I ate less garbage. I started working out. Slowly, over the years, I got healthier. I educated myself and immersed myself in fitness books, magazines, and websites. I started running. Lots and lots of times I started running. Until one day miles and miles behind me, I was a runner.

It wasn't easy to make those changes, small and slow as I made them. My parents made fun of me when I switched to fat free milk. "Would you like a glass of milk, or are you going to have a cup of dirty water?" my mom would ask. 

When I switched to cascade fresh non fat yogurt, with no artificial flavors or added sugar (except fruit) I gagged the first few times. My dad would say, "Why eat that if you don't like it? Food is one of the pleasures of life. You should enjoy it". I explained I would like it eventually; I just wasn't used to it yet. It was hard for them to understand. They weren't obese like me. Maybe they even took it as an insult that I would question the food they worked hard to provide and prepare. Food was one of the first things I bought for myself when I started working.

I don't want that for my kid. I don't want for him to struggle with weight like I did. So, for years before I even considered parenthood, I decided that I would do whatever it took to help any offspring I might have avoid that fate.

One of my reasons for breastfeeding was statistically breastfed children are less likely to be obese.  I waited to introduce solids until six months, for the same reason. In fact, nearly all of the food choices I have made up to this point in my son's life are to help him be more likely to be healthy. 

I joined weight watchers, because I know I have to be healthy in order to be a good role model, and because he is more likely to continue these habits if they are family habits. So even though I don't like to cook, I do. Even though I love to eat fast food, I don't. Even though I'm tiered and don't want to spend every weekend at a park when I could be watching TV, I will be. For the next oh, ten years or so, I'll be at the park playing with my son.

People are willing to admit that we have a problem in this country when it comes to our ever widening waistlines, but not so much that it's a serious problem within our families. That it's putting our children at risk. That it's putting our country at risk. It doesn't seem that many of us are willing to take responsibility over this problem and resolve to change it. If not in our country, in our home, at our own kitchen tables. 

When I child is fat, It's not their fault. They can't do it alone; We have to help them. We have to be their (and our own) advocates. It wont be easy, but we can do it. Our children deserve to be healthy. It's our job to make that happen.

This post is part of a multi blog collaboration, to read about some other hot topics, or to add your own rant thoughts, just click the TT button.

Weight Watchers

Guys as you know I joined weight watchers in January.

On the 19th to be exact.

I had been mulling it over for sometime. As I just couldn't do it on my own. I took my sweet time because I just honestly couldn't afford it. I have lots of important things in my budget and the truth is that I know what to do to lose the weight. I don't NEED WW.

Except that I totally do.

There's something about having to step on the scale every week in front of an often older woman, who has lost 40, 60, 100 lbs and kept it of for 5, 10, 20 years.

If you have a shitty week and couldn't stick to the program, you're up .5 lbs or more, their genuine and understanding questions like, "what happened this week?", really help. No matter what you answer, "I couldn't resist the cake", "I binged all weekend", "We went on vacation this week", they just nod in a knowing way, smile and encourage you, "what will you do differently this week...". I just need that.

I'm super competitive, it's hard for me to sit there every week and not try to do better. A lot of people there have a lot more weight to lose than I do. They keep at it. I can too.

The meetings are great. I have a lot of food issues. I'm addicted. (kind of like with alcohol, except that I need food), WW gives me the tools I need to eat in moderation. I'm about to share a big secret with you.

I have been an unofficial member of OA (over eaters anonymous) before. I have sat in my car and participated in phone meetings before. When I was skinny. Just because you "look" normal (maybe better than "normal") doesn't even kind of mean you are. I've tried talking about it with my friends and family, but they were very dismissive about it. It's not their fault. If your not an obese cow and you look great, workout and everything, they think you're exaggerating. Or maybe that your being hard on yourself. WW gives me the tools I need to see what it is I need (including treats and indulgences with a clear line in the sand).

Don't be worried about me. Since I became pregnant something in my brain switched. I haven't binged once. Not even when faced with an emotional trigger. I have pigged out, but that's not the same thing. When you binge your not eating till it hurts, you're eating till something inside of you is full.

Don't get me wrong it hurts, but it also fills something inside of you. It quiets a voice, subdues an emotional hurt that can't be subdued in any other way. Comforts you when there's no consolation. Being a mom, somehow filled me.

Anyway back to WW. I'm four weeks in. I've lost my first 10.6 lbs. As promised here is the post to let you all know where I am. I weigh the same thing I weighed a week after Animal was born. A pound away from weighting the least I've weighed since his birth.

10 pounds away from what I think a normal person weights.

19 lbs more than I weighed when I found out I was pregnant.

32 away from my goal.

I'm not sure when to update you next. So I'm going to leave it up to the comments. I could do again in about a month, just after my 35th birthday. Or as promised when I shared this goal with you at the halfway mark, in 10 more pounds or so, I'm a super shitty math student, I'll figure it out what that number is later. I don't want to bore anyone with my weight issues. Or pat myself on the back too hard. It's a struggle and a journey I don't mind sharing or keeping to myself.

TT New Year, New Me

I swore shortly after I started this blog that I would NOT make it about weight.

OKAY. OKAY. I have mentioned my post baby fat ass several times. But I haven't lingered on all the negative self talk right? or the utter dismay I feel every morning when I get dressed.

I have battled with my weight ever since I hit puberty. Finally conquering my fat ass and body issues about 5 years ago. Sometime before I turned 30 I got down to business and got seriously fit. I ran a half marathon, had killer biceps and wasn't just  a "skinny bitch", but a healthy fit bitch! I worked out 1.5-2 hrs a day 6 days a week and I was super happy. I was so proud of myself and worked hard on focusing on becoming a strong woman instead of worrying about a number on the scale, the little number on the scale was just a happy byproduct of my hard work. That and Weight Watchers did wonders for me.

Even before Animal was a twinkle in my eye I fretted and worried about what would happen to my body after having a baby. During my pregnancy I didn't let my craziness mess with me... too much. I worked out all the way to the end but as I got further along I scaled it down accordingly.

After Animal was born I was so tiered and really down on myself for not being able to be one of those moms that's running a half marathon two months after they pop their babies out. How do these bitches do it? And why can't I be one of these cunts. Sorry it's just my bitterness talking. But I just couldn't. Motherhood is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but it is kicking my ass. And it's taking my body, energy and drive for a ride.

Animal is sleeping through the night and I have new running and fitness goals, plus new motivation. I want my son to have an active role model. I want to give him the opportunity to join me and have fitness be a part of his life. Cycling, walking/hiking, swimming none of those things ever feel like exercise to me, because we did those things regularly with my parents (I still do, my dad is my running partner) and that makes it so much easier to be active, I want Animal to have that. Even though I love to sit, drink and eat garbage, I don't want that to be how Animal remembers mommy.

My very good friend Nursing Student and I decided that it's time to get back to Weight Watchers. This Year coming up is the year I get myself and my body back. In a healthy way. I fucking LOVE weight watchers, I could literally go on and on about it's virtues, but I wont as I'm trying to gain readers not lose them.

Don't worry I'm not going to start posting weekly updates, or my daily food journals. Maybe if you all are interested I'll do monthly updates. Most likely I'll wait till I make it to my first 10 lbs dropped, the halfway mark and when I hit lifetime again.

New year, New me!



This post is part of the SUPER AWESOME Theme Thursday collaboration, to read what other blogs have planned for the new year or to link your own (cuz I know you totally want to) hit the TT button