I know part of it's from the inactivity. The craziness brewing in my head. It's been years since I've had this kind of anxiety. The only thing that makes me feel better is drinking coffee, eating sweets and a nightcap. This is not my best me. I wish I was in a different place right now. Not physically, but mentally.
I want to write, I have ideas. Really good ones. Ones I'm excited about. I'm working on some of them, but the anxiety keeps me frozen. Keeps me from pulling the laptop out and getting started. Seeing my blog name depresses me. I'm not in running shoes, I haven't been in weeks. 5 weeks. Not because my baby doesn't sleep, not because I'm a walking zombie, just because I can't. One more week. I just have to make it one more week.
There's a secret fear adding to the anxiety. What if this isn't just a simple sprain as diagnosed? What if it's the beginning of the end for me? I've been injured before. It took a full year to get my running back on. I need this. I need this so bad. More than I ever have. I need to take care of myself so that I can be healthy for my son. So I can be a good example. So I can care about myself more. So I can have some peace and quiet. Some piece of my life that is mine, just mine.
Last Friday, was Animal's second birthday. It was a fun and exciting day. Animal started preschool. It was so wonderful, but it added even more anxiety. I thought with the first day behind us the heavy weight of it would be lifted off my chest and I would be able to breath finally. Sleep soundly again, but I was wrong. Last night on the eve of his second day, my mind raced. At first I was able to settle it packing lunches, getting nap bedding together and picking out the next days schools clothes. I even washed that nights dinner dishes, THAT NIGHT, something I always leave for the morning. When I crawled in bed I couldn't pretend it was just extra energy or even just efficiency. I had to admit what it was and practice all my mind clearing tricks to be able to let my exhausted body sleep.
It was restless sleep. The weight of the anxiety getting heavier and heavier upon my chest until I just couldn't breath if I didn't get up.
I had a post planned, one about Animal's first day. Another about his birthday weekend. Even one about his first school cold. All things I had planned to write about over the weekend and Monday night. All things I can't do because this anxiety keeps me from living my life. Even from typing.
I pulled out the laptop because I couldn't think of anything else to do. I thought it might cheer me up to write about any of the topics mentioned above. Instead ANXIETY leaked out of my fingers and onto the screen. At least a little of the weight was relieved and for that I say thank you.
I'm going to publish this now, edit later (that's my style anyway because I'm a shitty editor, if anyone wants to volunteer...)
Anyway, I know I'm not alone. It's comforting. So I invite you to share your anxiety with me. In the comments...
Oh my. I have only been running about 4 months but feel your anxiety. I haven't run all week because my husband has been away and am jonesing!! But with your love of running and the thought you might not be able to?
ReplyDeleteI am sending comforting thoughts your way!!!
Thank you! It is addicting. I know not everyone feels that way, honestly I think THEY are nuts ;)
DeleteI'm so sorry you're feeling this way! What I always tell myself when I start feeling anxious is that I need to just do. Just do. And if you get up and make yourself do something, that anxiety starts to go away because you've accomplished something that you wanted to, and that makes you feel good. Of course that is an oversimplified version and I am no doctor, and it may be the most ridiculous advice you've gotten because you might feel like, "What the hell does SHE know??" But it's just what works for me, so I wanted to put it out there in case it might help you, too. I'll be praying for you!! (That's the Catholic in me. :) )
ReplyDeleteThank you, I too have found that very helpful. If nothing else, I'm a little more prepared for the next day and that is some relief. I get to try running tomorrow, I would be more anxious about that, but I blew my cars engine (apparently) and so there's a bigger fish to fry and all that jazz. Anyway, please keep me in your prayers that is a big comfort to me (the Catholic in me :) )
DeleteI totally get your anxiety. I actually just started my first blog to hopefully connect with fellow runners to get through some of my issues. I am currently TRYING to train for my first marathon and too often find myself thinking/worrying "why am i doing this?, do i really want to do this?, is it going to be ok if life happens and I miss a stretch of training runs?" I think the thing most of us runners have in common is that we have a type a personalities which do not mix with the anxiety that we all deal with as well.
ReplyDeleteOOOh! A marathon? Exciting. Don't let your doubts take over. The more you run, the more you accomplish the more those doubts will be put to rest. I have some running posts you may enjoy at least for funsies ;)
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