Two Truths And A Lie

This week is another interesting Theme.

Two truths and a lie.

This could be fun, or serious. It could be an essay or a short story. It's really a meaty topic, and I'm excited to read everyone else's post.

A Phony.
I feel like a phony a lot. Like I'm living someone else's life. Someone who is just a sheep. Someone who doesn't think for themselves. I do all these things that I never thought I would do.
I'm such a consumer. Such a conformist. It's so easy to be one. I didn't mind so much before. Before I became a parent, but now that I'm responsible for another being it's hard not to be disgusted with the person I am; If I look to closely at myself. I guess I don't mind being a hypocrite if it's just me. I'll even call myself out. To be one when someone so impressionable is looking at me as a model for how to be a human. It kind of kills me.

Lazy Bones.
I can be so lazy. It takes a lot of thought and cajoling for me to get shit done. Cleaning. School. Running. Cooking. Even writing. Sometimes I'm just kind of on auto pilot and not much gets done. It's not because I'm depressed. It's just because I'm lazy.

Confident.
Looking from the outside in. You might think I'm confident. I'm friendly, and I smile a lot. I talk like I have a clue. Mostly because I do, but having a clue and actually being...anything, well that's completely different. I'm actually worried and scared more often than I let on. I worry, because I do have a clue. I know what I should be doing or what the score is in this world we live in. I may appear to have the confidence in myself to get things done, and let's be honest sometimes I do get things done. The truth is that, that is a lie and a lot is left to be done. Conquered. Changed. Moved past. Solved. Taken care of.

This post is part of a multi blogger collaboration, to read more, or join in, click the TT button

Are Geeks Just Hipsters?

I was really excited when this Theme was announced.

I love me some Geeks. A lot of different types. I appreciate tech geeks (like the hubby for all the MacGyver stuff he can do) and can get into some nerdy ass shit like watching AOTS, granted it went from geek fest to sophomoric...

I'm a Star Trek fan (original and next generation), but no Trekkie. I can appreciate their devotion. I find it endearing.

Here's where I may lose your respect. I'm not a Star Wars fanatic, or fan for that matter. The hubby on the other hand can definitely immerse himself in the movies, toys, and culture. I can appreciate it's storyline and it's depth. I love the look. The toys and costumes are awesome. It's just not for me. My husband about died when I said I like Star Trek more. I think a little bit of his soul dies every time he gets a glimpse of my Star Wars indifference.

I love graphic novels. I enjoy reading them. I'm drawn to the art work. I enjoy collecting them. If I could afford it I would own A LOT of toys. To play with and to keep in mint condition. Fuck, since I'm being honest I'll fess up now, I would hunt the toys down. Also, we're totally taking Animal to Comic Con.

I'm a film connoisseur. I love so many genres. I spend a lot of time watching and thinking about movies. I love to plan dinner parties around them. I love to dissect them and discuss them at great length.

Reading and books are like a drugs to me. Books are my friend. I could literally spend whole days in a library or bookstore. I read every little thing I can. When I'm curious about something I start reading. Books, articles, what ever I can get my hands on until I feel sufficiently knowledgeable. 

I turn words over and over in my head. I write down sentences randomly, everywhere. If I can't hear the words in a piece of music I am unlikely to love it or remember it. If however the words touch my heart, it doesn't matter the genre, or when it was written, I'll be a fan.

When I love a speech, monologue or sermon, I'll transcribe it and post it somewhere in my home. When Animal was only a few months old and could not hold still for a book (a fucking simple board book) I would fight back tears and swallow the lump in my throat. Refusing to acknowledge the thought that my son would not love books like I do. One of the happiest moments of motherhood for me was when Animal not only listened to a whole book, but then asked me to read it again, and then catching him sitting with a pile of books around him looking at the pictures of one and then another book.  

Thinking about all of these things, trying to zero in on what I would write about today and after reading the definition of Geek.
 

  

Check out #3

 

 

 Made me realize there is a case to be made (at least for me) that a geek is just another word for hipster. Way back in the 90's, when people didn't use the word hipster. I was still the big geek I am today. I didn't try to hide it. In fact I embraced it. I hated the idea of being "normal", of being ordinary, of being boring. So I started honing in my likes and on the things I thought it ironic to like and really started learning some shit about those things.

 

I guess others did too. There are so many channels and shows devoted to all the things people like to geek out about. I love it. I hope Animal will love it. We fill his spaces with normal kid fare, but also with Domo (our favorite Japanese character), collectible vinyl toys, art work, super heroes and monsters...

  

Are you dying to share what you think of Geek Culture? Well Theme Thursday is a multi blogger collaboration, so click the link and hook up. Or if you just want to pass the time reading a couple of fun pieces on the topic. Click the link.

Mommy VS. Mommy

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I haven't been writing much these days. I'm on vacation from work. After finishing the 100 mile challenge Monday, I'm even on vacation from running. Which is making me really sad, but after running nearly everyday for a month. I know it's the right choice. Usually I pack this week with visits to and from friends I don't see enough and errands and housework...I never finish it all.

This year, I planned something different. I planned to be a stay at home mom for the week. I thought I might write about my experiences this week with a small taste of SAHM life versus my "normal" week. 

It's half over, and I just don't feel like doing it. 

For one, just this week I've seen several teasers on FB and Twitter on the subject. Second, I was gonna try and be funny about it and last, I don't get it. 

I don't understand the versus here. I don't understand why no matter what you do as a Mommy, there are always other mommies ready to tear you down.

I enjoy working, I honestly do, but I also HAVE to. It's not a choice at all. We couldn't afford to pay rent AND eat without my salary. Some would argue that what I spend in childcare (because it is so expensive) could "make up" some portion of our household budget. Plus if I was truly awesome I could stretch those dollars the hubby brings home into healthy meals, and cut back on all the lavish extras we afford ourselves now. Therefore allowing me to raise my own child.

If only it were that simple. 

I don't pay anything for childcare. Not now and not when my son starts preschool (it's one of the many benefits that come with my job). I also receive medical insurance (a pretty good plan), a little more than 6 weeks of paid time off a year, plus every weekend. Always. There are other benefits, both tangible and intangible. 

Like everyday, weather permitting (and in the Bay Area it almost always is) I get to walk. All alone, with my thoughts for 15 minutes in the am and in the pm. If I don't have any errands to run I get another hour to do the same. To gather my thoughts, for a post, to solve a problem, or to be grateful for my life. Sure, If I could choose I would spend the time with my son, but maybe for my sanity's sake, it's better that it's not a choice.

Let's get back on topic. This week has been amazing. Just me and Animal all day. He's so happy and so am I. We run errands together. He plays while I clean, and sometimes is right behind me trying to do what I'm doing, or for a better view. He's napped in his own bed all week. I get to make his meals from scratch, one at a time, instead of packing them all in the morning and then wondering all day how/what he ate. We go to the park, playground or some other adventure together. I get all the hugs and kisses all day long. It's been a truly fabulous week. I hate the idea of going back to work. Back to reality. So maybe some of the SAHM's can have a little sympathy instead of judgement. Maybe they can try to understand that I don't want to be away from my little guy all day, every weekday. 

Now for my part. Maybe I can or we the working moms and dads (let's not forget them), can understand it's not all sunshine and rainbows. Everyday I clean, and Animal destroys. Almost immediately, I mean you can tell some cleaning happened (for instance the thick layer of dust is gone) but I worked really hard for at least half the day on that cleaning and you can hardly tell. I am way more tiered. Way more tiered. All around. 

Physically from the cleaning, the lifting of a 30 pound toddler who's body goes limp every time he doesn't want to go the way I'm going, which happens at least 6 times a day. Oh and also every time he's "tiered" of walking, which happens another 6 times a day. Funny how walking can tire a toddler out in just a few minutes, but climbing can go on all day. 

Mentally, from the tantrums. The not listening, at just the right moment, so strangers can judge my parenting skills. The lack of adult interaction. The lack of exercise. I knew I had to lay low on the running this week, and I'm getting to walk, but I was all set to do some weight training this week. Uh, not happening. I gave up yesterday. Also my eating habits have really sucked this week. I'm eating what ever leftovers I can shove in my mouth, or snacks are handy at nap time. The only real meal I get is at dinner when the hubby is home. I'm starving by then so my plate looks as big as his. 

So maybe we can reserve our judgements about the children's behavior. The make up, hair and clothes or lack there of...(I totally thought I was gonna be wearing make up all week long and that my hair was gonna look awesome). The cleanliness of the home. How from scratch the meals are...

Mommy VS. Mommy, is one versus that just doesn't need to be and serves no one. Let's ditch this bitch and get on with the business of lending each other a hand and a sympathetic smile. In the end, we have a lot more in common than we don't.

Wishes...

This weeks topic..."If I had infinite wishes..."

I feel this is kind of cheating. This is just too perfect. On the other hand it did put a smile on my face just thinking of what to write.

If I had infinite wishes, everyone would follow the golden rule.

There would be no such thing as homelessness, hunger, disease, addiction, murder, rape, genocide, racism, greed, mental illness, westboro baptist church, war, right wing/left wing fanatics, pedophiles, autism, thin lips, pancake asses and little dicks. (I needed to lighten the mood after that list).

It would be within every one's reach attain the "American Dream", no matter where they live, no matter who they are.

With all those important things out of the way. We could rid ourselves of reality TV. All liquor would have calorie burning powers and be chalk full of vitamins, and antioxidants. Kids would all sleep 10-12 hrs a night and nap. Houses would clean themselves. Healthy, delicious meals would cook themselves. Clothes would launder, iron and hang themselves. Furry family members would be healthy and live as long as we did. Cars would run on dust, or lint, or trash. We would treat mother nature with the respect she deserves. Schools would be free and be places of learning, always, everywhere. No one would judge any one. People that didn't want children/weren't ready for kids wouldn't have "accidents", people who wanted to be parents would all have children.

I could go on and on. If only I had infinite wishes...


This post is part of a multi blogger collaboration. If you would like to read more or join in click the TT button.

100 Mile Challenge, Week 3

It's been a really awesome week.

Cardio Trainer (love this app)

Something happened this week. Something I find fascinating. When you run, or do anything really, that is beyond your minds grasp of what is "possible" for you. There is this conversation your mind starts having with you.

For me, with running,  it goes something like this:

Mind: You can't do this. You've never done it before. You're just not strong enough. 

Me: I want this. I think I can do it. Maybe I really can't. I never have before.

Mind: That's right. You never have. You're legs aren't strong enough. Feel that? It's your quads. They aren't strong enough. Your legs feel like cement. How are you going to keep this up. You'll never finish this lap. You should just stop now.

Me: My legs do feel heavy. I think my knee hurts. (tries to concentrate on knee, feels a little sting) yeah, my knee definitely hurts. What if I injure myself. What will I do then.

Mind: Stop now. You can't do it.

Me: Just this lap. I've gone further. Maybe I can just finish another minute. Then I'll stop.

Mind: okay, you can do a minute more. 

Minute passes. 

Me: I can finish this lap.

Mind: Maybe. (quieter)

Me: I can do this I can finish another mile.

Mind: okay (whisper). 

Mind starts to wander. Looks at sky. Thinks about Animal. About writing. Lap passes.

Me: I can do this.

Mind: Yes, you can. You can do this. Do this.

It's a really strange thing. One moment your mind is tearing you down. Weakening you at your core. During those moments if you just buy yourself an extra minute. Another lap. You show yourself you can go a little further than you thought possible. And that quiets yourself doubt. You show yourself that you CAN do it. If you just keep going. If you don't give up. If you just give yourself a chance. And your mind? It comes right along for the ride, and starts to cheer you on.

Mind: You've done this before. You've done more than this. Don't stop now. You're best moment is just a few feet away. You can do ANYTHING. Don't stop now.

It's an amazing feeling. I don't ever get tiered of reaching that moment.

That's what this challenge has been like for me. Now that I have 26 miles left, it seems completely within my reach. I just have to keep going. 

If there's anything you want out there, that your mind says isn't for you, just remember you only need another minute. Just a few more feet. Just another mile. It's yours. Your mind knows it, even if you don't. It just wants you to fight for it. Just a little. 

Top Ten Today

Top 10 Things I'm thankful for right now.

10. Vodka Tonics. Oh shit, that's the same thing I was thankful for the last time first time I linked up. What can I say? Sometimes mommy needs a little something extra to unwind.

9. My Job. Not only do I get to do something I love, in a field I love, but I get paid to do it. Sometimes it's very stressful. Always, I regret not spending the day with Animal, but if it wasn't for my job we honestly couldn't make ends meet. Stability, security, those are important things for a child and thanks to my job I can help provide that for my son. Not to mention feeling appreciated, valued, and getting some adult interaction.

8. My Mom. She watches Animal for me while I am at work. Because she is able to do this for me, I am able to have peace of mind all day. When he was a little baby I trusted her more than myself to provide what he needed. Now that I have grown as a parent, that has changed. What hasn't changed, is my believe that if he can't be with Mom or Dad there's no place better than Grandma's.

7. Costco. How could we afford to keep a well stoked home without it? I'm sure I don't know.

6. My health. The hubby and Animal (mostly the hubby) have been seriously under the weather. I on the other hand have been able to take care of them and myself. Thank you God for my health.

5. Writing. As always, whether I write a lot or a little. Whether it is read by 1 or 10 people, it provides a solace. An outlet. A peace.

4. Running. For the time alone. For the strength. For the self pride. Thank you.

3. Finding time, energy and desire to be intimate with my spouse. It's so easy for me to let this one go. I don't know why. It feels so good to keep it going. Not only physically, but mentally to feel connected and desired. It's a good thing. I don't want to lose. I just saw Hope Springs, I just don't want that to be us. Ever. Unless it's at the end of the movie...

2. Friends. All kinds. Old, new, distant, acquaintances, tweeps, and bloggy friends. They all have something to offer and I have something to give.

1. Animal. Oh, as much as he wears me out. As much as I whine and complain. As much as I joke about turning to alcohol. I wouldn't ever want to be without that cute mischievous grin. Those dimples. That curly hair. Oh how I love that little boy. Thank you Lord for blessing me. 

Endorsements

Products I love!

Here are the top ten products I love now, and since becoming a mom. I wouldn't want to be without any of these.

10. My Laptop. When I was in school, I was so envious of the students typing out their notes. Way faster and neater than handwriting especially if your handwriting looks like mine. When I started this blog, I spent so much time at our desk. The hubby missed me, I jokingly said that he should buy me a laptop. On Black Friday he did. Oh My Gawd, I love this thing so much. 

9. Our Motorola video monitor. We bought it when Animal started climbing out of his crib. I wish we had bought it when he was a baby. If your pregnant, register for it. You don't need a Bumbo seat n tray, our giant beautiful Chicco Stroller, the regular monitor. With that money you could buy a video monitor.

8. Cell Phone Apps. Especially Cardio Trainer, Weight Watchers, Dictionary.com, Twitter, and My Days X. 

7. Starbucks Via. If you can't get to okay in my case can't afford. Money or Calorie wise... Starbucks, this is the shit. It's so tasty. Warning you can't go back to instant after this.

6. Captain Morgan Light Spiced Rum. I'm a sad sad girl when I don't have this in my liquor cabinet. Makes the BEST Cuba Libres. 

5. Harthill Farms Cabernet. You can read my review here.

4. Cliff Mojo bars. I love nutritional bars. They make great meal replacements or the perfect snack on a long hike. Cliff Mojo, Honey Roasted Peanut is so good. Even the hubby loves it, and he hates when I hand him a bar.

3. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. Best sleep training book ever. It's my bible. Don't take my word for it read amazon reviews.

2. Happy baby/Happy tot organic fruit/veggie squeeze packs. I don't feel guilty for not preparing a healthy meal when I have one (or two) of these bad boys in the diaper bag. Animal loves them.

1. My Medela breast pump. As a working mom, I would have never been able to EBF without it.

I hope I help you find something you'll love. 

Click here for more awesome products, or add your own list!